just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
