On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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