I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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