I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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