I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
