she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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