Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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