how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
