I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
