I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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