I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
