Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
