No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
