Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
