I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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