I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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