It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
