mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
