Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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