I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
