I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
