All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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