turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
