he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
