You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
