dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
