nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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