he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
