I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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