Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
