the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
