I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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