I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
