my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
