today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
