i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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