Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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