thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
