Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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