Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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