My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
