I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
