you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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