She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
