my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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