Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
