I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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