Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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