i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He has the fingertips of a God
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
