Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
